Healing is anything but Linear

I used to think my love life was doomed from the start. I never pictured myself being a character that someone could love. Until it happened. Never did I know that learning how to love someone and being loved could solve the “self” so gently. 

You may think it’s strange to start this story with an ending…

A few years ago, I would’ve thought the same. But endings are really just beginnings- even if they don’t seem like it at the time. 

This book is a bit different. But I feel like I say this about all my books. 

So let me rephrase that. 

Anything but Linear will be fragmented because I have so much to say instead of just one BIG thing to say.

I normally write about my grief and my sorrow. I write about my years lost, my youth, and my regrets but for now, I just want to write about love. A little while, a long while, as long as I can. 

Because maybe they were right.

Putting love into books—-sometimes I don’t think it could live anywhere else. 

For the most part, writing after an experience is something of a struggle for me. Like I need to work to get the words onto paper.  But now and again, writing has been the only thing that has helped me process. 

From a flame to a stranger I had to create something. I just had to. 

This is a story about young love. The kind that makes you brave.  But also the kind that makes you want to rip your heart out. 

This story is about when love isn’t the reason why it ends. Such a weird concept and reality that I never knew existed. 

I’ve always taken comfort in loss- when tragedies emphasize, “The love was there. It didn’t change anything. It didn’t save anyone. It just didn’t work out. But it still matters because the love was there.”

When love went dark, I noticed that I started writing… a lot. To share. To help. Is there anything that hurts more than the loss of a first when you’re young? 

I want to write about it because it matters. 

And it does. It’s real. To me. To you. To him. To her. 

This is a book about how it is possible to grow through heartbreak. 

Enter like a child, exit like an adult. Really, truly feeling it. 

Feelings are meant to be felt, worked through, and in my case, constantly expressed. My emotions flow through the various characters in this book and it was super cool to keep the people who are no longer in my life alive in them.

There are characters I hope you’ll like but then there are characters I hope you end up thinking about in the middle of the night with a cosmic ache in your chest because they resonate with you so much. 

If you haven’t noticed already, I love a good sad book. I guess it’s because when my grief is stopped up inside me like a clogged drain I can grieve for a character on a page and understand that I’m also grieving for myself a little bit. Reading books always gives me a sense of validation. 

My feelings and my thoughts become less scary. Less heavy and less deep. 

The beauty, and oftentimes the most frustrating thing, is that not one of our lives is the same. The way one person reads and understands something isn’t how the next person will. I choose not to explain most of the lines in between moments of characters because I think the explanation ruins the art. My art is meant to be interpreted however the reader can relate to it based on their own life experiences. 

I’ve also wiggled in the power of creating self-indulgent and soft moments between two characters without anyone stopping me. 

Sometimes the writer in me wants to remember just so I can give you a story. Sometimes I think the memory will appear in my doorway, first a shadow, then a boy I once knew, stepping into the light. But I am still so naive. I know pretty much what I like and dislike but please don’t ask me who I am. I soak everything in but can’t wring myself out. 

I stopped fighting for love. Instead, I became love. 

And everything that was incapable of receiving me naturally dropped away. 

True love, at least the kind that I know I deserve….the kind that everyone deserves really, inspires you to grow. It is neither selfish nor self-seeking. With trust and hope as the supportive pillars, love heals you. 

So remember when someone loves you- really loves you- please treat them gently. Tell your mother you noticed her haircut and that she was right about that recipe. Text your best friend back when you can. And be good to the people who are good to you.

The words in this book aren’t just ordinary. They’re different because they’ve lived inside of me.

But I’ve now found a new home. It’s time to move on from what was here. It’s time to let this story go. 

I decided to start viewing my 20’s as less of a waiting room and more of a dressing room. Because if I’ve learned anything about myself during heartbreak, it’s that I don’t like to wait. 

I didn’t like waiting for life to happen to me.

Treating my 20’s like a dressing room gave me more agency. 

I was able to pick what I wanted. I was able to try on friendships, jobs, hair color, interests- not partners quite yet but you get the idea. And I was able to choose to leave behind whatever didn’t fit me right. 

So without further ado, my take on love. 

-Nat <3