Never Again

When the words never again surface in a conversation, I can’t help but laugh. 

In retrospect, my instincts are very loud, but I’m not the best listener. 

Hard of hearing. No. 

I’m hard of listening.

I find myself in situations that aren’t meant for me and try to desperately make it fit- to make it work. 

I hope that time will tailor it by some miracle of connection. 

But it never happens. And that’s the thing that makes me laugh. 

The sheer humiliation of a failed and forced association. 

I realize now, more than ever, that when I like someone, I just know- I just feel. 

With this new sun shining through my curtains, 

I bring my pinkies together, promising myself to never get in a situation where I have to force a feeling simply because the person on the other end is good. 

If I don’t feel love, or if I don’t feel fond- I know it’ll never come. 

Not even with all the time in the world- because no, I just don’t work like that. 

I can’t select my emotions. 

I am either in accord with their flow or in resistance to their nature. 

And in most cases, I’m just not with their flow. 

My experiences are always multidimensional. 

I have a variety of memories, feelings, and soul that I continuously choose to recall. 

In this recollection, I’m able to accept moments and place them in the storyline of my personal evolution. 

Because happiness was never more.

More is never better for me. 

Happiness wasn’t experiencing something else either. 

I know now, more than ever, that happiness is continuously experiencing what I already have but in new and different ways. 

Maybe this is why I fall a little in love with my friends every time I see them. 

I suffer in my loving and I know it.

My memories are always softer than the person, and I’m glad I let things go the moment I realize he or she, they or them is just not what I want. 

My twenties are beginning to feel like a trial run at something I’ve never done before. 

I’m left to my own devices. 

I suppose I once did this as a child, but then I was naive, and now I’m self-aware. 

And because of this, I’m out with purple lanterns looking for myself this year.